Hey crew – it’s been awhile, I’m not going to act like I was just here yesterday. What happened? Life happens. Things happen, things get fucked up and then you’re caught up not necessarily where you want to be. But I’m here now and it feels fucking great to be in a space that’s all mine, like I’m drinking, dancing, laughing and fucking upside down all at the same time – how’s that for some No Bull?!
It’s been an intense 12 months as I’ve been living intensely, struggling to decide which direction to go towards, contemplating the crossroads, serving eviction notices to the bull-shit and engaging people in a dialogue about how we make the decisions that we do. As I said in a previous post, Never Will Be Still (https://empressevelyn.wordpress.com/2010/09/03/never-will-be-still/ – click it son – no shame in cross-pollination promotion), sometimes we all feel really far out and we need a certain something to pull us way back in. If you don’t get this, then leave now and head back to the meth lab of your mother’s laundry room for your next hit. This is real talk and even the strongest and level-headed of us all have stood under the decent of dark clouds wondering how the fuck to rise above. The answer and ultimate way to live is by intuition – that wave of knowing and awareness that you feel in your guts, prostate, heart, colon, whatever. But for some reason, when all these things are firing signs, shots, and omens towards one targeted clear direction, answer and solution – we somehow manage to brew up some kind of convoluted toxic concoction of a rationale or notion and go towards the completely opposite direction.
And just like the end-result of any convoluted concoction i.e. like mixing ice-cream with oyster sauce (hey, it was suggested that the salty-ness would complement the creamy-ness) all you end up with is a distasteful combo of heart wrenching regret, vile tastes in your mouth and possibly 3 days of flaming diarrhoea (so I’ve heard). Here’s a news feed of the past 3 months: someone I know got burnt by a ‘close friend’ real bad, even though she always suspected this ‘friend’ had been sabotaging her behind her back for years. But she stayed loyal hoping for the best. But yesterday she found out the deepest betrayal had been done and the dissemination of her deepest secrets was complete. Someone else went out of his way for his employer, living by his strong work ethic, he did duties beyond the call of duty. But when judgement day again came for recognition, he simply wasn’t recognised. It’d happened many times before but he forced himself to tell himself that recognition was coming eventually. But the real him had known way back in time that he had a better chance of getting his menstrual period every month than a promotion.
And now here’s one from me: I got the high marks in high school, did the prestigious University degrees, got the coveted job prospects and took the secure respectable job. My job’s so secure I could shit on every desk in the office and still not get fired. Management would just send me to some therapy session to complete the ‘Why I need to shit on desks to feel accepted’ self development course. As I crossed the hazy line from young adulthood into real adulthood I thought living like a robot was the right way even though doing so just kept on making me feel restless, sick, apathetic, manic … and well, wrong. I told myself that enduring ‘wrong’ meant that I was strong. As isn’t this what life is meant to be – linear and routine? I thought over time I’d blend into it, ease into it. I thought I was Noble by doing the ‘right’ thing. But Nobility had no place residing inside a fuckwit who was Self Deluded. Nobility has nothing to do with living in the absence of recognising the truth. Don’t start sending me Prozac people, it’s all good. I never claimed to be the prophet. But when I started this blog I committed to being sincere by writing what I know we’re all thinking, but very often just simply could not say. So here’s what I say:
The signs are there, the warnings are exposed for the taking … so fucking take it and own it. Don’t read into a ‘good’ in people and in things that are unwritten and non-existent. There’s no dignity in claiming you only wanted to try and see the best in people and find the good in futile pursuits. Because when you failed to find it, all you saw were tears as you cried crouched like a little bytch in a dark corner. Own the truth that has been presented to you early on, fuck the fuckers a new fuck hole and walk away never looking back. No Bull. Be Noble. Cull the pest species. Only then do you walk as the noble one and live with true dignity.
I want to express a sincere thank you to everyone who contacted me directly about this post. I’ve received many texts, emails, Facebook msgs and calls regarding the content since I put it up and I appreciate the choice to not express thoughts and feedback through comments publically in this instance. Turning yourself inside out to put a message out is risky – I know this.
I was told many times over the post was really confronting. Good. Some said it made them feel uncomfortable. Good. As I said, I’m no prophet – I’m just a person like you wanting to start a dialogue so we can start saying the un-sayable – whether it’s between you and me, you and someone else or you with yourself – E xx
Now that’s the E I first met in Egham! Fuck me girl that is intense. Living by intuition is what we all want to to do – but most of us are too afraid – afraid to say or do somethig that other people won’t understand or misconstrue. Then we become ostracised and the next thing you know we are swinging from a cross member in the garage because we couldn’t handle it. Your friends got burned but deep down they knew it was going to happen. You took the safe road but deep down you knew it was not where you should be – good for you – but it’s not for everyone. And take the people you meet in life as they come – if they are going to fuck up, they’ll fuck up – but until they do, only you decide if they are worthy of your time or not. Makes the ride more interesting I think – and occasionally you get to meet reasonably cool displaced Canadians with whom you form a lifetime bond…or not…shit like that…you know…
In this lifetime and way into the afterlife of the afterlife Kev!
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The truth is harsh. Otherwise nobody would lie – E x
amen amen halleliua – there is someone else out there that gets ‘it’.. the self deluded masses out there are living a life thats essentially a lie cos they hate it and themselves but need to display their sense of nobility cos they want to do ‘the right thing’ (by whom i often wonder?!) i think really they are just too weak and need to cut the shit and just keep it real and realise the truth before its too late and life has passed them by. live by the seat of your pants, trust your instinct and be inspired.
Like lightning he strikes and delivers the word. Believe this man, his word is good.
Right or wrong I live by my intuition, which I feel so strongly most of the time that to deny it would be harmful to me. I’ve hurt a few people along the way and for that I am deeply sorry…and I’ve paid for it. But whatever I’ve become was spawned by my own free will.
When you quit a job, lifestyle, or partner because “it doesn’t feel right,” you are saving yourself early on from a much worse load of sorrow that’s sure to come.
Good judgment comes from bad judgment, you learn each time you fuck up (one hopes). Walking away and never looking back is advice that people don’t follow nearly enough.
I know you already have the answers to whatever decisions you’re facing in your life just by trusting your own intuition. Whatever it is, I wish the best of luck to you!
Deb, my intuition tells me you live intuitively. And from your own blog I know you’ve made the difficult decision to deviate from the mainstream script to make the artistic journey work your own way. And isn’t it funny – those who discourage and mock you the most for your choices are usually the ones who secretly envy your courage the most. The ‘friends’ you lost were never friends – and now they’re just hollow sign posts in the past to show how far forward you’ve moved on without them. People are so obsessed with answering to what is expected of them that they never stop to answer to themselves – one way ticket to self hate right there. Thanks for your good intentions Deb and for leading by example – E xxx
Ev, I had to read that several times. and I thank you for sharing this. What you write, those feelings of darkness and futility are real. But I dare say some people would barely comprehend such notions which barely scratch the surface of their consciousness. How sad. It takes courage to live our life according to our most noble dreams.
To step back, point at yourself and turn your mind to the questions of right and wrong is a matter of choice – not an easy one, but you have a choice to do it or carry on. What you see and confront, no matter how bad can never be as fucked up as the feelings of regret once arrived at the end of the road. Thanks for coming forth Jas & making what’s very private for you very public – E xx