Hey crew – it’s been awhile, I’m not going to act like I was just here yesterday. What happened? Life happens. Things happen, things get fucked up and then you’re caught up not necessarily where you want to be. But I’m here now and it feels fucking great to be in a space that’s all mine, like I’m drinking, dancing, laughing and fucking upside down all at the same time – how’s that for some No Bull?!
It’s been an intense 12 months as I’ve been living intensely, struggling to decide which direction to go towards, contemplating the crossroads, serving eviction notices to the bull-shit and engaging people in a dialogue about how we make the decisions that we do. As I said in a previous post, Never Will Be Still (https://empressevelyn.wordpress.com/2010/09/03/never-will-be-still/ – click it son – no shame in cross-pollination promotion), sometimes we all feel really far out and we need a certain something to pull us way back in. If you don’t get this, then leave now and head back to the meth lab of your mother’s laundry room for your next hit. This is real talk and even the strongest and level-headed of us all have stood under the decent of dark clouds wondering how the fuck to rise above. The answer and ultimate way to live is by intuition – that wave of knowing and awareness that you feel in your guts, prostate, heart, colon, whatever. But for some reason, when all these things are firing signs, shots, and omens towards one targeted clear direction, answer and solution – we somehow manage to brew up some kind of convoluted toxic concoction of a rationale or notion and go towards the completely opposite direction.
And just like the end-result of any convoluted concoction i.e. like mixing ice-cream with oyster sauce (hey, it was suggested that the salty-ness would complement the creamy-ness) all you end up with is a distasteful combo of heart wrenching regret, vile tastes in your mouth and possibly 3 days of flaming diarrhoea (so I’ve heard). Here’s a news feed of the past 3 months: someone I know got burnt by a ‘close friend’ real bad, even though she always suspected this ‘friend’ had been sabotaging her behind her back for years. But she stayed loyal hoping for the best. But yesterday she found out the deepest betrayal had been done and the dissemination of her deepest secrets was complete. Someone else went out of his way for his employer, living by his strong work ethic, he did duties beyond the call of duty. But when judgement day again came for recognition, he simply wasn’t recognised. It’d happened many times before but he forced himself to tell himself that recognition was coming eventually. But the real him had known way back in time that he had a better chance of getting his menstrual period every month than a promotion.
And now here’s one from me: I got the high marks in high school, did the prestigious University degrees, got the coveted job prospects and took the secure respectable job. My job’s so secure I could shit on every desk in the office and still not get fired. Management would just send me to some therapy session to complete the ‘Why I need to shit on desks to feel accepted’ self development course. As I crossed the hazy line from young adulthood into real adulthood I thought living like a robot was the right way even though doing so just kept on making me feel restless, sick, apathetic, manic … and well, wrong. I told myself that enduring ‘wrong’ meant that I was strong. As isn’t this what life is meant to be – linear and routine? I thought over time I’d blend into it, ease into it. I thought I was Noble by doing the ‘right’ thing. But Nobility had no place residing inside a fuckwit who was Self Deluded. Nobility has nothing to do with living in the absence of recognising the truth. Don’t start sending me Prozac people, it’s all good. I never claimed to be the prophet. But when I started this blog I committed to being sincere by writing what I know we’re all thinking, but very often just simply could not say. So here’s what I say:
The signs are there, the warnings are exposed for the taking … so fucking take it and own it. Don’t read into a ‘good’ in people and in things that are unwritten and non-existent. There’s no dignity in claiming you only wanted to try and see the best in people and find the good in futile pursuits. Because when you failed to find it, all you saw were tears as you cried crouched like a little bytch in a dark corner. Own the truth that has been presented to you early on, fuck the fuckers a new fuck hole and walk away never looking back. No Bull. Be Noble. Cull the pest species. Only then do you walk as the noble one and live with true dignity.
I want to express a sincere thank you to everyone who contacted me directly about this post. I’ve received many texts, emails, Facebook msgs and calls regarding the content since I put it up and I appreciate the choice to not express thoughts and feedback through comments publically in this instance. Turning yourself inside out to put a message out is risky – I know this.
I was told many times over the post was really confronting. Good. Some said it made them feel uncomfortable. Good. As I said, I’m no prophet – I’m just a person like you wanting to start a dialogue so we can start saying the un-sayable – whether it’s between you and me, you and someone else or you with yourself – E xx