Not Recommended – Again & Uncut

The first time I said it was here: https://empressevelyn.wordpress.com/2010/06/30/not-recommended/

 Now I’m back to say it again but this time I come with statistics:

–          98.3% of what I do is strictly Not Recommended

–          100% is the certainty that I’ll keep on doing what I do

Ignore the cops – especially when the target is you: When I drive I roll to a selection of loud, hard & mighty tunes.  Even when most of my front bumper had come off after an unfortunate incident with a parked truck, I still hammed up the jams for the rest of the drive home – in fact the sound of half the bumper scraping against the road’s gravel merely added to the car’s solo nightclub atmosphere.  With a thumping baseline my thing is to step on the brakes to the rhythm of the underlying beat.  My music of choice is of the hood, and often life rapped about the hood details how it can be … filled with no good (please take appreciative note of what I did here – it’s called freestylin’).  So one night when I heard police sirens screeching closely behind me I should have pulled over.  But I took it as a clever sound effect incorporated into track #4 of the current CD playing.  I became suspicious when blue & red flashing lights were seen in my rear view mirror.  A bit more when the high beaming started.  Yet clearly not suspicious enough cos I kept on driving … for quite awhile.   So the story ended with a fine and demerit points for speeding, and something about failing to stop.  Looking back I can kind of see that this all happened because I might have been speeding and when followed – had possibly failed to stop.  At least I’m not one to argue with the law (this time).  Because I was remorseful and humble.  And because the cop didn’t meet the level of hotness to qualify for anything on Empress Ev’s menu of sexual favours … joking people … bad boys bad boys … watcha gonna do …

Grope a friend’s butt when you’re unsure if it’s their butt: I’m a gambler. To require complete certainty before being willing to take action is for the broke-ass & mediocre portion of the population.  So when I walked up behind and sighted the target butt waiting to cross the usual set of lights towards the work building – I visually scanned the similarities and mentally calculated the differences against the rules of probability. While resembling the same shape & density, the butt was encased in a hideous pair of trousers uncharacteristic of anyone I’m associated with to be publically showcasing.  But times have been economically tough, so perhaps they had to source some work pants from a stranger’s clothes line on this occasion.  In my mind’s eye I saw a set of scales and the side telling me to reach out and take hold was the one tipping over.  My grip is hard and my nails are long.  But what the scales say, I do.  Some people can really overreact and not be understanding of when mistaken identity occurs.  Just keep this in mind.  My crew and I are tight and butt groping is how we greet and surprise each other from behind.  Who knew this practice was uncommon and unappreciated amongst some groups, especially amongst distant colleagues in serious jobs.  Yes, believe it or not I actually have a serious job.