Not Recommended – Again & Uncut

The first time I said it was here: https://empressevelyn.wordpress.com/2010/06/30/not-recommended/

 Now I’m back to say it again but this time I come with statistics:

–          98.3% of what I do is strictly Not Recommended

–          100% is the certainty that I’ll keep on doing what I do

Ignore the cops – especially when the target is you: When I drive I roll to a selection of loud, hard & mighty tunes.  Even when most of my front bumper had come off after an unfortunate incident with a parked truck, I still hammed up the jams for the rest of the drive home – in fact the sound of half the bumper scraping against the road’s gravel merely added to the car’s solo nightclub atmosphere.  With a thumping baseline my thing is to step on the brakes to the rhythm of the underlying beat.  My music of choice is of the hood, and often life rapped about the hood details how it can be … filled with no good (please take appreciative note of what I did here – it’s called freestylin’).  So one night when I heard police sirens screeching closely behind me I should have pulled over.  But I took it as a clever sound effect incorporated into track #4 of the current CD playing.  I became suspicious when blue & red flashing lights were seen in my rear view mirror.  A bit more when the high beaming started.  Yet clearly not suspicious enough cos I kept on driving … for quite awhile.   So the story ended with a fine and demerit points for speeding, and something about failing to stop.  Looking back I can kind of see that this all happened because I might have been speeding and when followed – had possibly failed to stop.  At least I’m not one to argue with the law (this time).  Because I was remorseful and humble.  And because the cop didn’t meet the level of hotness to qualify for anything on Empress Ev’s menu of sexual favours … joking people … bad boys bad boys … watcha gonna do …

Grope a friend’s butt when you’re unsure if it’s their butt: I’m a gambler. To require complete certainty before being willing to take action is for the broke-ass & mediocre portion of the population.  So when I walked up behind and sighted the target butt waiting to cross the usual set of lights towards the work building – I visually scanned the similarities and mentally calculated the differences against the rules of probability. While resembling the same shape & density, the butt was encased in a hideous pair of trousers uncharacteristic of anyone I’m associated with to be publically showcasing.  But times have been economically tough, so perhaps they had to source some work pants from a stranger’s clothes line on this occasion.  In my mind’s eye I saw a set of scales and the side telling me to reach out and take hold was the one tipping over.  My grip is hard and my nails are long.  But what the scales say, I do.  Some people can really overreact and not be understanding of when mistaken identity occurs.  Just keep this in mind.  My crew and I are tight and butt groping is how we greet and surprise each other from behind.  Who knew this practice was uncommon and unappreciated amongst some groups, especially amongst distant colleagues in serious jobs.  Yes, believe it or not I actually have a serious job.

Not Recommended

Here‘s some shit that I’ve done but I’m telling you now – it’s just Not Recommended:

Take expired medication.  Unlike with some brands of cereal and cookies, the expiry date on prescription medication is actually stricter than the ‘best before’ standard of quality of some other consumable products.  I know this because I took some expired sleeping tablets during my first night in a share house in London.  I woke up in the morning wearing a sparkly silver cardigan that was not mine.  I also have vague recollections of negligently using the lavatory in the middle of the night with the door wide open – no big deal you may say?  Well at the time I was wearing neither any pants nor that sparkly silver cardigan.  However, all this would have been a good way to break the ice with the new housemates.  

Fix a pair of sunglasses with a toothpick.  The right side of my sunglasses fell off.  I’m Chinese.  Chinese people have access to commercial quantities of toothpicks.  We could build the 4th fucking little piggy house with them if we wanted to.  I took one, broke an end off and used it as a ‘screw’ to re-attach the handle.  Why – Because I thought I could.  Outcome – I couldn’t.  I was driving, then I was pumping out heavy bass hip hop tunes from my car speakers, then I was beating my head to my tunes, then I was feeling gangsta, then I was suddenly blinded by sunlight but only on one side of my face, then I was seeing a toothpick piece down my top, then I was seeing a broken handle of plastic on my lap, then I was seeing a damn fool in the reflection of the rear view mirror…

Eat potato chips in bed.  I did this while reading with the lights on.  And then it was bed time so I lay down in the dark, but while doing so my hand brushed against a stray potato chip.  It had fallen out of the packet onto my mattress.  So not wanting to waste it, I popped the tasty chip into my mouth and started to chew.  It was not a fallen potato chip.  It was a dead moth. The reasonable person would understand how easily such an error was made.  Both a chip and a dead moth are flat, crispy and flaky – however would you believe that both these things actually taste exceptionally different?

Take the Mexi-Coach to Tijuana alone.  This was no venga bus people.  Perhaps I got on at the wrong time because the other passengers heading over the border with me from the USA didn’t look like they were heading  into Mexico for donkey Piñatas, giant Sombreros or a mini Ukulele.  They looked like (and overtly announced) that they were heading over to appropriate and purchase heavy duty quantities of prescription medicines  … yet nobody seemed to have a prescription…  Funnily enough there is a linkage with this last paragraph and the first – see if you can work it out.