Here‘s some shit that I’ve done but I’m telling you now – it’s just Not Recommended:
Take expired medication. Unlike with some brands of cereal and cookies, the expiry date on prescription medication is actually stricter than the ‘best before’ standard of quality of some other consumable products. I know this because I took some expired sleeping tablets during my first night in a share house in London. I woke up in the morning wearing a sparkly silver cardigan that was not mine. I also have vague recollections of negligently using the lavatory in the middle of the night with the door wide open – no big deal you may say? Well at the time I was wearing neither any pants nor that sparkly silver cardigan. However, all this would have been a good way to break the ice with the new housemates.
Fix a pair of sunglasses with a toothpick. The right side of my sunglasses fell off. I’m Chinese. Chinese people have access to commercial quantities of toothpicks. We could build the 4th fucking little piggy house with them if we wanted to. I took one, broke an end off and used it as a ‘screw’ to re-attach the handle. Why – Because I thought I could. Outcome – I couldn’t. I was driving, then I was pumping out heavy bass hip hop tunes from my car speakers, then I was beating my head to my tunes, then I was feeling gangsta, then I was suddenly blinded by sunlight but only on one side of my face, then I was seeing a toothpick piece down my top, then I was seeing a broken handle of plastic on my lap, then I was seeing a damn fool in the reflection of the rear view mirror…
Eat potato chips in bed. I did this while reading with the lights on. And then it was bed time so I lay down in the dark, but while doing so my hand brushed against a stray potato chip. It had fallen out of the packet onto my mattress. So not wanting to waste it, I popped the tasty chip into my mouth and started to chew. It was not a fallen potato chip. It was a dead moth. The reasonable person would understand how easily such an error was made. Both a chip and a dead moth are flat, crispy and flaky – however would you believe that both these things actually taste exceptionally different?
Take the Mexi-Coach to Tijuana alone. This was no venga bus people. Perhaps I got on at the wrong time because the other passengers heading over the border with me from the USA didn’t look like they were heading into Mexico for donkey Piñatas, giant Sombreros or a mini Ukulele. They looked like (and overtly announced) that they were heading over to appropriate and purchase heavy duty quantities of prescription medicines … yet nobody seemed to have a prescription… Funnily enough there is a linkage with this last paragraph and the first – see if you can work it out.
