I’m not an expert on love and commitment but I sure as hell can tell if people sitting near me at a restaurant or bar are on a shithouse date.   The unfortunate problem is when the people actually on the date are unable to identify how shithouse it is.  Look – if you’re sitting there with your drinks (or with your shared milkshake with 2 curly straws etc) and you’re just staring at the table, the floor, the wall or worse still – at me (to the next couple that does this:  I’m going to come and tip your table over – creepy fuckers), you’re clearly not letting the good times roll.   I understand that if you’ve been in a long-term relationship or if you’re married you’ve got this whole comfortable silence thing happening but these couples generally look like they’re in their mid to late twenties max with that ‘been going out for a few months’ vibe about them.  If you have absolutely nothing to say to each other at this early stage or aren’t even making eye contact at the table then you both need to go in search of more stimulating company, pay for it if you have to but at least try to fill your night with some hardcore laugher, hardcore partying or anything that’s just plain hard. 

Why waste your time being there when you could just as easily be doing the same thing sitting at home at the kitchen table by yourself – the effect is fucking the same.  And then they start to listen in on the conversation over at our table (and sure it could be because I talk as loud as hell) but I presumed the purpose of a date was to be so caught up in the other person that you don’t give a fuck if everyone else around you is on fire.  

So unless you’re both in a relationship that’s been going on for so long you don’t even bother to shut the toilet door while doing a shit, this kind of silence is not acceptable.  The last incidence of this I saw was so bad with a couple on a date that the girl was reading the label of ingredients on her coke bottle while the guy was just plain sitting there looking like he was waiting to grow a dick.