Disturbing Memory #1

I say #1 because there’s more to come.  These disturbing memories may also serve to explain why I seem so … disturbed.  I was a little girl and it was school holidays so rather than have to chain me to a pole outside on the street while my parents worked (watch the news – shit like this happens in real life), my dad took me to the video store to get some tapes so I would be distracted enough for a few hours to not set furniture on fire, roam the streets looking for gangs to join etc.  I really wanted to get ‘Edward Scissorhands’ so I skipped into the shop with excitement, bounced straight over to the New Release section, saw it, ran up to dad who took it to the counter to borrow and pay.  This whole time I’m jumping up and down going ‘I can’t wait to see this mooooviiiie’! 

But as the Chinese would say, there was Sum Ting Wong.  Translation: Something was wrong.  Because upon closer inspection the movie that my father was holding and about to borrow for his child was not in fact ‘Edward Scissorhands’. It was instead a slightly similar yet notably different movie called: ‘Edward Penishands’.  After the video shop guy told my dad that this may not be the right movie (and was probably about to call the cops) I held the cover close to my little face.  I saw a lady who was NOT Winona Ryder.  I saw hands that were NOT made up of scissors. I really didn’t understand it at the time – why the lady had no pants on, why she looked like the women that stand by the road waving at cars late at night, why she was squatting over Edward’s hand like she was about to sit on a chair, why Edward didn’t really look like the Johnny Depp version of Edward but more like a drunk clown from the circus….My dad told me to quickly put the video back onto the self and I had to borrow ‘The Neverending Story’ instead – which probably had a different plot to the original choice of bootleg Edward with dick covered hands.

17 thoughts

  1. In this way you were denied the opportunity to see one of cinemas greatest achievements, Edward Penishands. I sympathise.

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  2. hahah it happens. I rememebr when i was a kid of about 6 or 7 and i had just been to a public toilet. Now being a young kid with milk still fresh on his breath i did not know better. In the male toilets i saw this vending machine with something that came in all kinds if flavours and they were only £1. I went out to my mum and begged her to buy me one of these condoms because i really wanna try the tropical flavoured one! The look she gave me still haunts me to this day.

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      1. I can only imgaine what would have happened to me as a kid if my mum did not know better and bought it for me! Mum!!? It’s rubbery!

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  3. And you say that I’m the one that attracts calamity. This here is empirical evidence that the universe has been making a mockery of you since the very beginning.

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  4. i hope i’m not dragging your blog down with my comment.

    but Edward Penishands…

    …it’s a movie about (xx content removed xx) yeah?

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    1. Oh mista sista, well let me first congratulate you on owning the 1st ever comment I’ve had to … moderate. And to answer your question: haven’t seen it so can’t say, tho I gather the content could pass for the home video of your 21st birthday – E xxx

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  5. At least The Neverending Story was heaps better than E Scissorhands (the real one)….btw what was Penis hands doing in the new release section? Must’ve been the funny Evelyn universe at work x

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  6. I haven’t seen any of those flicks. Might have to go and borrow “The NeverEnding Penis Hands” from Blockbuster and check it out for myself.

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